Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Yorkshire, UK
Dirk's Definitive List
My dear pal on the Channel 4 website compiled this list of all of Dirk's memorable quotes from the series which I nicked and post here as an addition to the one below. My apologies if any are repeated- the young maestro was half asleep after typing these after being awake for a full 3 weeks (alledegly). She was keeping Dirk hours anyway...Enjoy!
Ice cube task
Dirk says "Danielle you are every man's dream when it comes to licking!"
Dirk: Why do they call it tomato ketchup?.......is there another kind of ketchup?....mustard ketchup?
Dirk and Leo talking about Mickey Mouse movies:
Dirk: That Micky works all the time. He must have made over 500 movies.
Leo: He sure is a hard worker. He's always in the studio.
Dirk: But you know he never turns up for his premiers, although come to think of it I did see him at the opening of Fantasia.
The group getting ready for the ice task today in the bedroom.
BB: '' Would all housemates ensure they attatch their microphones to the outside of their anorak''
Dirk (quietly to himself): ''What the hell's an anorak''
Dirk: "I nominate Dirk".
During nominations when Jack returned you could hear Dirk say.....ah Jack forgot you were in there....
when he nominated Jo saying words to the effect of.....
"She's very literate! She said two syllables today!"
Sarcasm is so underrated! lol
Dirk to Jack:
"You sh*t! I came all the way from America to lose to Jack Tweed? The famous football agent - he is now"
When all the housemates got the £10 each as a reward.
"I think i will take mine in cash"
I told BB, no cigars, then no Benedict.
If we can get Danielle to sign language we will be in business.
The voice is connected to the testicles.
Dirk says tears are highy over-rated
I inhale so deeply you can't smell it..... about his cigars.
Donnie: Dirk f**king Benedict!!
Dirk: Well, I don't really use my middle name.
For me it has to be "Honey I'm home" and "I really like what you've done to the place" upon walking into the BB house.
When Carole is trying to get Leo talking .........
Dirk replied - "It's a shame that he lost his voice, I was here when it happened"
It's amazing what a woman can do when you put a bonnet on her ...... commenting on the ladies in their HND uniforms.
My favourite (upon entering the CBB house)
.....let the torture begin!
(On Jackiey's flatulance)
"Nobody light a match or we'll all blow up!"
On helping to solace Shilpa, he goes onto his knees and when Carol comes across to ask if he has just proposed he says
"I don't know whether to marry her or adopt her"
Leo: "Humanity is all we have left!"
Dirk: "...and oranges..."
On talking to Jermaine about Jackieys pumping so frequently Dirk says about pumping
'Once is okay, twice...but not when it becomes a lifestyle '
Dirk, on Ken's leaving, : "You know what that means?"
Jo "It means we've got new HMs coming cos we've lost 2"
Dirk "no it means I'm the oldest, perhaps I'll get some respect now?!"
Leo: Shilpa would make a great Bond Girl
Dirk: She'd make a great girlfriend.
He just asked Leo if he listens to his backing group when singing.
they saying Jacks very quiet.......dirk says, wouldnt you be ?
Jackiey: you guys did great
Leo: yeah we tried, we were trying
Dirk: some of us were more trying than others
Jackiey: Dirk, what would you like? Asian, Chinese or Indian?
Dirk: INDIAN! (looks at Shilpa)
Shilpa: It's for food not women!!!
Slightly tipsy Cleo talking to Dirk with slightly tipsy Carole....
Cleo says to Dirk.... 'you're not a tosser.'
Dirk replies..... 'No, I only play tossers.'
Dirk to Leo....'I'll give you half my fan base. That's 20 people.'
Cleo: (to Dirk) Did you tell me that your cat was called Cleo?
Dirk: I did, but it was in the middle of Leo talking, so you probably didn't hear it.
Leo mutters obscenities in background.
After the maths task they are all itching to go and keep asking. They shout....'can we go now Big Brother?
Dirk: We have alot to do.
'Can you give me Shilpa's phone number?' To BB
In response to Leo just saying he was going to bake a cake and put a file in it, Dirk said 'there are no bars, you can leave any time you like'
Shilpa: I thought you adopted me?
Dirk: Yes, I gave you a choice and I was very hurt by your response
"Jade is a smart cookie"...
Dirk (getting a bit fed up whilst Leo is going on and on and on and on and on to the HM's without taking a breath)...
Leo! You could have a lobotomy and we will bring you back!
Leo: People out there who know me will be cringing...
Shilpa: No Leo, they'll love you.
Dirk: Don't get carried away Shilpa ..... get a hold of yourself.
Leo boasts about being one of a few people in the world who has no fear. Dirk responds, "I'm afraid you are right"
Leo then compared himself to Peter Sellars(as one of the other few to have no fear in taking risks and backing it up with talent) and then went onto say, 'But I am not as talented as as.... (convo hangs for a second').
Dirk chips up in the background "Dirk Benedict".
Leo: [droning on an on about the plot of a book he read]
Dirk: "Keep going. I won't have to buy the book."
he told leo
"you should be Leo the Sayer"
this afternoon Shilpa was feeling a bit crap about the Goody situation and how they were when she cooked today, whilst sat with Leo, JJ and Dirk, and said she didn't know how to act or be.
Dirk says all sympathetically (not verbatim)...'Just be yourself Shilpa. Be true to yourself. Now when's dinner.'
No women I have a crush on is getting in the pool in a bikini!!
Leo droning on about a John Updike book
Dirk - 'The only updike I like is Ellen Degeneres'
Jade says that her Mum is just the same character as her but bigger, and she knew if she was up for nomination she would go.........
Dirk replies: ..... and look what it did for you.
After the shock Jackiey eviction....
Dirk says to Leo 'What are you gonna do next time you get called to the DR .... pack your bag?
Dirk: What would you like me to keep Leo, as a keepsake?
Leo: a soiled pair of underpants.
Dirk vows to wave them in the air on his eviction and say 'these are from Leo Sayer's last performance'.
He's saying about his hair was longer and bigger. He had it relaxed once and had it in a pony tail.
to which dirk replied "did you ever think about doing it to the rest of your body?"
Dirk, trying to cheer Shilpa up by offering her some food: I cooked it with lots of positive energy!
during noms, Leo was showing Dirk a copper bracelet. He said it improves circulation. Dirk replied something like . . . Oh . . . will it get more me more friends?
On his reasons for nominating Ian:
'If a ship is sinking, and someone is having fun, you throw him overboard'
on finding out he is up for eviction alongside Leo turns to Leo and says:
'I knew I shouldn't have hung around with you'!
The other all talking about Leo and how great he would be at this singing task.
Dirk: yes but he'd have to sing all the parts.
Dirk: Don't make the food too hot, it might give me a personality.
Getting undressed after the dance task, deadpan to Jo and others -
'It's always hard after a performance like that. What with the screaming fans, it's hard to come down after.'
And also after he had done the song 'Well, that's one proffession I won't be getting into.'
In responce to other HM's fearing being booed when they evicted::
'I've been booed many time'
BB: How do you feel about tonight's eviction Dirk?
BB: Why are you excited Dirk?
Dirk: I'll get to go outside.
BB: Who do you think will be evicted tonight Dirk?
Dirk: (barely letting BB finish the sentence) Carole.
BB, "How are you?
BB, "Why are you disappointed?"
Dirk, "Because I didn't get to go out. I thought they loved me. I thought the public liked me. I guess they haven't been watching the show. If they'd watch the show, they'd KNOW .. they need to get me out. They want to torture me .. more."
"When do I get my Honorary Member of the Jackson 5 certificate"
Dirk in the diary room: "Hopefully we can start voting some of these people off soon. It'll be less crowded."
And quite randomly, "My life is a cooking show."
"You know I tried treating my wifes like Big Brother treats me and it got me nowhere. I gave them tasks, gave them rewards...!"
And then everyone collapsed due to laughter!!
Jo: What does the clock say?
Dirk: The clock doesn't say anything. I've not heard it speak since i've been here. It reads 12.30.
Jade asks what "attire" means. Dirk says: "Well, you know you have a car tyre..........!"
Big Brother asks the housemates not to go into the tolit in groups to gossip some thing like that any way
Dirk sez" im slow on the uptake i could have taken Leo in there and told him what i really think of him"
"What do you think is the most important factor in a relationship?, asks Shilpa.
"It depends," replies Dirk. "Maybe money?"
"Yeah. Particularly when a woman earns more than the man."
Dirk, JJ and Shilpa in the bedroom, laughing and chilling.
Dirk talking about how he'd like a successful wife with ambition:
"It would be great. She'd come home at six, I'd have all day to write, then we'd have dinner, then we'd make love, then.."
Shilpa: "We didn't need to know THAT part, Dirk!!"
shilpa shyly holds up a tshirt saying " are you ready for THIS"
Dirk says " should I get a tshirt saying "NO"
Last night in the bedroom, talking about the noise when they come to bed...
Shilpa: Jermaine, you go into the living room and tell them, they listen to you...
JJ: No, I think you should go Shilpa - they'll listen to you....
Dirk: WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY!
JJ and Dirk were discussing Jack and Jades relationship
Jermaine: She treats him like one of her kids, she even says she has three kids....
Dirk: Yeah, but what real man is gonna put up with THAT for 30 seconds!!!
Dirk and Shilpa discussing their relationship...
Dirk: "Tell them the truth, say if he was ten years younger, maybe." for when Shilpa leaves the house.
Shilpa replied that crowds would probably chant "Dirk! Dirk! Dirk!" when she left and tell her age shouldnt be a barrier.
Dirk, taking his mic off in bed: Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man ...... healthy, wealthy and ....... lonely.
Shilpa: .....and boring!
Dirk: .... and boring!
Dirk: Healthy, wealthy and boring ...... and alone.
Dirk has suggested the title of CBB be changed.....
"This show probably has the record for people busting out," he suggested. "Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, that's what this is."
Just before nominations, JJ, Cleo, Shilpa and Dirk were gearing up to go and do it, Cleo had said how much she hated it and they'd discussed it. Dirk said to her:
"You're very empathetic, you take on other people's pain....do you want some of mine?"
Dirk: You don't have to go to the party ... parties are optional, tasks are compulsory.
All the people that come to his house ask 'why have you got urinals in your house'
Dirk: Because a ton of women come to the house and complain that the seat is up.
Ian- You would have been a great James Bond
Dirk- Yeah i would
Ian: "After this I'm spending two days alone."
Dirk: "Afer this I'm spending my life alone."
Dirk was just talking about the view over the lake from his house when the sun sets...
He was saying about the sun setting in a different place in the summer due to the earth moving round and then said "dont tell them that though (pointing to the covern) they would find it all to disturbing to know that the earth moves...
Jermaine is speculating about possible evictions and Shilpa tells him not to think about it. She says, "I'll be up - it's common sense."
She walks from the kitchen table where Dirk and Jermaine are to the sink and Dirk calls out after her like a little love sick puppy:
"Will you wait for me til I get out??"
You talking to me? No I'm George Peppard," Dirk replied, referring to his A-Team co-star. "Jo and all them still think I'm George Peppard. We've been in here over two weeks now and they're like 'You're the guy with the grey hair and cigar'. All three of them."
Dirk was warming up for a full-scale rant. "Oh yeah, I dyed my hair brown for this show. Yeah sure that's me. You know, they haven't a clue. It's ok, I don't mind. I don't know who they are either."
During the Danielle, Jo, Jade burping contest:
"Tell Danielle there's a future in burping."
Just heard him say "Jade has more issues then the Democratic Party in America"
Dirk: That's a heavy conversation that I usually dont have....
Thats why I wrote my book.... so I wouldn't have to talk about it.
The bigger the front, the bigger the back - Dirk on Cleo after her teasing
Jade leaves, 20 seconds later Dirk: 'I'm going to be bed!'
"Forget that Jackson five sh*t, I want an Indian lullaby"
Shilpa refuses to sing Dirk an Indian lullaby. Finally she gives in and sings the first line of "rock-abye baby".
Dirk: "That'll do, sing me that - with an accent".
Dirk: Every day I look in the mirror and think....
Ian: that your so good looking!
Dirk: Yeah!!....I used to have people around to tell me that, now I have to say it to myself!!!
Shilpa - God has better plans for you
Dirk - that's what I thought and then THIS happened (The BB experience)
Helicopters circling the house before Jade's eviction, all HMs speculating on what's going on in the outside world. Dirk: "Well at least we know there's no serious problems in the world, nobody's starving in Darfur, nothing's happening in Iraq"
On the reason why Hollywood looked down on the A Team
'because all it did was entertain people'
Dirk, "no one cared about me not having clothes", Shilpa, "that's a lie" .. Dirk, "yeah, its probably a lie"
After Ian says how funny Cleo is:
Dirk: she doesn't have a funny bone in her body!!!!
"I don't know anything funny," said Danielle, before disconsolately picking up a pair of maracas and saying: "I'm just going to shake these maracas for five minutes."
"All four of them?" quipped Dirk.
Dirk's attempt at making Big Brother laugh:
There once was a fella called Dirk,
Who everyone thought was a jerk,
So he did a show called Big Brother
Against the advice of his mother,
And now he's just turning down work.
Dirk having seconds.
Shilpa says "no don't - you left it too long"
Dirk says he may get ill from it.
Ian says "yes but you are trying to get out of the house aren't you"
Dirk says "Ah - yes. Someone was must have got sick in the house before"
Ian asks "mentally?"
Dirk replies "no- thatís expected"....
Dirk: There's all kind of humour...even the kind that isn't funny
Speaking of Cleo again!
Housemates are watching dirks 5 minutes to make BB laugh when he cant think of any more jokes and the room and screen is silent, one of the HMs talks.
"Stop talking during my scene"
Shilpa talking about an ex-Miss World Aishwarya Rai and says she has beautiful full lips, blue eyes and she's gorgeous.
Dirk: Do you have her number?
Jo and Danielle to Dirk: "So Dirk are you going to miss us?"
In the context of ....
Only a week to go (and being p****d off by/with.... the coven).....
"I could live with Hitler for a week".....
After the 'make BB laugh' task where he failed to make BB laugh, he was asked.....
BB: What have you learned from your time in BB, Dirk?
Dirk: I'm not funny.
When relating this to JJ and Shilpa he said that his sons had been telling him that for the past 5 years.....'That's not funny Dad'.
Dirk to Shilpa: Remember, food is love ........ can I cook for you?
Dirk, about his mic:
I tell you, having not to have to wear something strapped to you after this will be a nice thing.
Of course I do have to wear this locator thing around my ankle at all times, for a crime I committed back in 1970.
On who should be head butler,
Carole: Who should be in charge?
Carole: Decided, I'm in charge
Dirks face said it all.
"I've never understood the last meal for someone about to be executed.
"I'd ask for a woman"
Danielle: Even Dirk is dancing well now.....
Dirk: Yeah ..... I feel I'm even selling it a little.
"Jacks a good listener.... he has to be with Jade"
During the dance rehearsals....
"I can't gyrate," protested Dirk. "We're doing all this for what? Food I don't eat!"
When Cleo was dressed as Tiara and harassing Dirk. She asked him to give her a smacker.... Dirk's reply, I'll give you a smacker all right.
BB: How are you getting on with Cleo this morning...
Dirk: She doesn't exist...
Dirk to Danielle after she failed to make BB laugh:
Your too pretty to be funny...
After failing to make BB laugh in the DR.......
Dirk: I made millions being funny..... but not in that room.
On Cleo also failing to make BB laugh....
Dirk: I didn't work hard enough, she worked too hard...
Ian: Maybe Cleo needs an audience to be funny.
Dirk: Maybe she's not funny.
Leo just lost his individual servant task
Dirk: thatís it; I canít associate myself with a loser.
After Jade goes Dirk says in the garden to Jermaine..."
I get this game now. We've got to get nasty. Nice people leave last."
Dirk: you should marry when your 60
shilpa: Yeah think i will do that, marry when Iím 60
dirk:I cant wait that long
Jermaine - I'm going home when I get out of here
Dirk - I already did, my body's here, but I left a long time ago
When they all had the task where they had to ask BB a question that they had always wanted the answer to they were all thinking and Jo said "Maybe I'll ask them what colour knickers I'm wearing"
Dirk said "Oh I already know that"
Jack going to nominate.
Dirk: Keep it simple jack!
Housemates in process of Nominations ,
All sitting in the lounge area discussing fruit , subject of Mangos comes up
Dirk says he had his last Mango in Paris...
jack: in Africa they keep lizards in their room to eat the mosquitoes
dirk; I have bats
BB: this weeks noms will take place in 5 mins time... gather in lounge
dirk: noms are to me what tasks are to Ian
Dirk: "I have a cardinal rule......NEVER, EVER, EVER have a romance with someone you work with....."
Ian: "Did you stick to it?"
Shilpa:" .....and if I was working with you, would you be able to stick to your rule?"
Dirk: "A b s o l u t e l y...........NOT."
Dirk and Danielle, sitting in a tree,
In the BB house, they're not funny!
Dirk chatting to Jo and Danielle in the bathroom, telling them he hadn't showered for 4 days. Then he sniffed his armpit and
Dirk said: "I'm still good to go, I'm still good to go"
"You can't live on Bananas"
"Only eat the food which is grown where you live"
"Too much potassium. Can't live on Bananas"
"It took me a few days to realise what kind of character Danielle was, it was kind of shocking," he said. "She's so pretty and sweet but she talks like a truck driver! It's quite funny to hear it come out of her."
She certainly speaks like one of the guys, as Dirk described: "She says f*** every other word, and worse."
He then proceeded to do quite a bad Danielle impression, "I f****** won't do it, I'm f****** gonna lose my f****** head."
It certainly hasn't put him off English girls though, on the contrary: "I have to spend more time in England to see if that's the way all the girls talk. It's interesting, from the country that gave us Shakespeare."
Shilpa came outside in the cold to chat to Dirk and Jermaine and Dirk joked that back when she was his girlfriend he would have offered her his seat but now it was different. They seemed back to their flirty best then he said:
"Of course you know the warmest place would be in my lap!"
Shilpa recounted how she had told Dirk how his sons would be so proud of him, he said:
"No they won't, they'd be proud of me if I brought you home though!"
And just now they got called in for a task to choose something to spend £10 each on and Ian said how about face packs and things,
"Dirk to Ian." : You really are gay aren't you?"
shilpa: i only had 1 and a half toast for lunch that's all
dirk: i don't think i can afford to feed you
BB "Nominations will take place in 5 minutes. . ."
Dirk whilst clapping his hands "Goody, goody, goody"
"Nominations are to me, what tasks are to Ian!"
Dirk: You have a politician Boris Johnson? he has blonde hair............ you don't follow politics?.
Dirk: I've heard him speak, he's very funny and very droll.
Jo: What's droll?
Dirk: A dry sense of humour
Jo: Oh like me?
Dirk: No, the exact opposite, not at all like you.
Dirk: Even when I leave this house it will still feel like I'm in Big Brother. It won't be until I am back in America that I will feel at home.
What chocolate would you be?" demanded Ian.
"I don't know chocolate well enough to give an answer," claimed Dirk.
"Ok, if you were a grain of rice..." quipped Jo.
"If you were a pulse, which would you be?" asked Ian.
"I'd be an adzuki bean," Dirk replied instantly.
"Why?" they asked.
"It's the most powerful bean..." began Dirk, prompting the others to crease up with laughter.
Dirk to Jermaine: Are you going to want to meet up with Big Brother after this, have a beer and a chat and thank him for the wonderful experience.
My specialist subject is....one of my oldest and dearest friends....JO!!!
Mastermind Big Brother: What did Jo list as her most unappealing habits?
Dirk: Oh, there are so many to choose from.
Mastermind Big Brother: Which living person did Dirk say he admired the most?
Mastermind Big Brother: Dirk Benedict.
Jo: How many tasks have you failed Dirk?
Dirk: How many have we done?
Mastermind Big Brother: Jack, what award did Shilpa win at the International Film Awards?
Dirk: Jack, that's an easy one.
BB Dirk who is Jo's role model
Dirk - Linda Blair
For those who don't know Linda Blair was the possessed girl in the exorcist!!
Housemates were preparing for the quiz-about-your-housemates task, Jo suggested learning everyone's favourite colour -
"Black," Ian called out. "Red," said Jo.
"I don't have one," Dirk confessed.
"Apart from brown," Jo snidely threw back at him.
"Well, it ain't blonde!" he retorted.
Jo: Are you going to shower...again?
Dirk: I think there might be a surprise eviction with my name on it. They can say: he came in clean and he went out clean... though he was filthy in between
Dirk - "that's a good name. I'm gonna use that in a book. "Jack Tweed came in to the room, he looked at the room. The room looked at him. The room blinked.....the room blinked first."
Gems the lot of them- wish I'd watched more than the last couple of weeks now but I was late to cave in to his charms though you should have heard the squealing from me when he pulled up in the van on opening night. As the chairperson of the Anyone But Hasselhoff Club he was far beyond my dreams!
P.S I'm new so please be gentle! Hello from sunny Yorkshire and must dash.
P.P.S When I saw the end of CBB they were talking about auditions. Now is that for regular BB or for the role of Mrs Benedict? If it is the latter where do I send my credentials?!
Remember, you are not a salmon