The CASE of the MISSING Battlestar Galactica

[ojai22]

PROLOGUE

This enchanting little story was written years ago by Shawn, who used the name OLDWARDAGGIT, or owd, on the forums. I came across it recently as I was cleaning out a drawer. Immediately I thought I should post this as it has been so long since it was written. I'm quite sure it was originally posted at Colonial Fleets, but am not certain. I've lost track of the year.

As I re-read it I had second thoughts. These characters were people who were active members of the forums at that time. They all worked together, posting all over the internet to get BSG continued as a new show, having tons of fun in the process. That wouldn't mean much to today's members.

Also, owd wrote 3 chapters with the 4th coming soon. It was never finished. We waited, but the end chapter never arrived.

As I read I thought - perhaps he couldn't think of what was at the bottom of the mountain that hindered the continuation of the show. After all, Bryan Singer was having talks with Dirk about playing Starbuck again in the new show, so what was the problem? What could be stored in that mountain? In the aftermath of all that has happened it suddenly came to me what was down there, so I finished the script, writing Chapter 4. I tried to write somewhat like Shawn, but he was unique. Anyway, I finished the story and decided to post it. Perhaps a member from long ago will see it and remember and have a good laugh.

Shawn was known as OLDWARDAGGIT. He lived in Nova Scotia, was married and had a blind kitten named Chloe, I think. He was a singer with his own band that was named Short Notice. He was not only unique, but funny and loved by everyone. He sent me one of his albums, which is one of my treasures (Thanks, Twin).

[ojai22]

THE CASE OF THE MISSING BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

Chapters 1, 2, and 3 written by OLDWARDAGGIT
Chapter 4 written by ojai22


CHAPTER 1

The names haven't been changed to protect the innocent because we are all about as innocent as a Glenn Larson's web site.


The clock was reading 3:82 and it was a leap year so I was tired from leaping all year. I sat back in my comfy P.J.'s chair - I mean P.I.'s chair and cleaned my Magnum. Yes, I was that kind of investigator: A Magnum P.I.


I was munching on carrots, you know, those little ones that look like a badly smashed-up pumpkin after you puke them up. I was almost falling asleep when a knock was thrown upon my door. All of a sudden I realized that I had forgotten to put the hinges back in and the door was soon lying at my feet.

I looked up to see this lady standing in front of me. She looked up and with a smile she said, "ARE YOU OLDWARDAGGIT?"

I said, "Yes, you're in the right place. However, I'm in my happy place. A bathtub of beer."

Then she looked down at the door and said, "I want you to find a missing show or the door gets it again."

I felt threatened by that accusation so I agreed to take the case.

O.W.D.: Do you have a name?"

The lady who was dressed in black leather spoke up again. "Of course I do."

Then I looked over again and asked, "Can you tell me what it is?"

"Yes, I can," she said.

"Are you going to?" I asked, while standing up and that's when she got puzzled and spoke yet again.

"What's with all the damn questions? If you want to know my name, just ask. It's ojai22. (Pronounced 0H-HI)



O.W.D.: "So what can I do for you?"

Ojai22: " I want you to find a missing show. It was missing for 23 years and was supposed to come out of hiding but didn't. I thought I heard it say peaky-boo a few times but I must have been hearing things. The name of the show is BATTLESTAR GALACTICA and here is a list of all the names and places that I already got."

O.W.D.: "Did you get any tips while getting this stuff?"

Ojai22: "Yeah, a buck thirty-five."

Then with a couple of hops over the door, she was gone without ever telling me how much she was going to pay, but I needed the money no matter how small the check was going to be. I had 3 million dollars in over-due bills chalked up on the Home Shopping Network.


My first stop was Universal. I was just about to walk up to the door when all of a sudden, this car that looked like something straight out of Frankenstein Unbound pulled up. Right down one side of the car you could read THE LANG.

A door lifted up from the car and Lang got out. He was covered from head to toe in body armor and strapped to his shoulder was a huge tomato cannon. After smothering the front of Universal with multiple rounds of rotten tomatoes, I asked him why he was doing this.

LANG: "I can't talk now; I have people to see, studios to do." Then before I knew it he was back in the car and tearing up the front lawn before speeding off.

The next stop on my list was Glen Larson's place but before I could get too far, I was met at the gate by his henchmen. They chased me down the road and cornered me in this dark alley. I took out my very powerful weapon (my rubber chicken) and proceeded to beat one of them over the head with it. It was no use, I was outnumbered.

At the last minute I started to see henchmen falling all over the place. It was Kristi with the Warriors and Rebels. They came to save my butt yet again. Being the irresponsible coward that I am, I snuck out while the fight was still going on.

Back at my office I found RGrant lying on my step, drunk.

RGrant: "Damn it Jim get the nickels why for you poop my pants, AAAAAA The star ticks are out to get me, be it gets canceled."

And then it hit me - No, no, not the power puke that RGrant was having but the words he spoke made perfect sense. He was telling me that after Star Trek was canceled, the fans got their s**t together and now the franchise was making money.

END OF CHAPTER ONE.

[ojai22]

THE CASE OF THE MISSING BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

CHAPTER 2

I decided that maybe I should try to go back to Universal Studios. Upon arrival I noticed that the great writing team of ANGEL AND BROWN were very busy on their next project for Universal (cleaning off the rotten tomatoes from the front of the building). I was surprised to find just how easy it was to walk right in to see Dan Pasterhead, Pasterfoot, Pasterear, .aaaaaaaa,.I mean Pasterneck, ya, that's it, Pasterneck. I walked right into his office and noticed that he was sitting back in his desk chair. I caught him in the middle of picking his nose and once he saw me, he got startled and nearly fell off his chair. As he spoke, he reminded me of The Godfather.

Pastereyes: "How did you get in here?"

Oldwardaggit: "I walked in."

Pasterelbow: "OK. Note to self - 'Fire dan and Billy but give Bonnie Hammer a raise for absolutely no reason at all.' What can I do for you?"

Oldwardaggit: "I want to know why you took Bryan Singer off the BSG project."

Pastertoe: "I made him an offer that he couldn"t refuse."

Oldwardaggit: "OK. Then what happens to all the signatures on the petition?"

Pasterfinger: "Look, here is a crayon and a piece of paper. If you can get 10 signatures, then I will make sure that the 1000 missing get put back on."

Oldwardaggit: "11,000."

Pasterarm: "Whatever!"

At this point two actors from the new FIREFLY show forced me out. On the way out I noticed how the Universal sign was painted over and now it said Fox. On further inspection, I noticed that it once said Paramount along with UPN, Studios USA, and many others. Things were starting to make sense. This studio had more names that a stuttering Rapper. Yes, Boys and Girls, I was finally starting to get to the bottom of things and in the process, I was uncovering a much bigger ongoing conspiracy.

On my way back to my office, driving my unicycle, I noticed that a cop had this car pulled over. It was RGrant with a carload of women. The cop looked familiar, too. It was Scooter 2000.

Scotter 2000: "Can you please walk a straight line for me, Sir?"

RGrant: "How can I when you keep moving the line? (BURP)"

Scooter 2000: "Well then, just give me the phone numbers for those girls in the car and I will call it even."

I turned my head and kept on peddling, making sure not to go over the speed limit. Further down the road, I happened upon a bus stop. At this bus stop was a man in a straight jacket. It was Lionhart.

Lionhart: "If you let me out of this straight jacket, I will sign that Petition." It sounded like a great deal to me but when I let him out, he grabbed my crayon and began eating it while running up the road and laughing. Like an egg in a bad omelet I felt almost beaten.

When I got back to my office, I noticed that my weight-lifting landlord (dvo47p) was standing in the doorway with a pair of brass knuckles in one hand and a s**t house rat in the other.


END OF CHAPTER 2.


(In the next installment: DOES O.W.D. GET THE SNOT BEAT OUT OF HIM? AND WITH THE COLD THAT HE HAS, WILL HE MIND?)

[ojai22]

THE CASE OF THE MISSING BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

CHAPTER 3

While dvo47p was deciding what to break on O.W.D., the stick legs or the weak arms, O,W,D, snuck out and ran like hell but dvo47p noticed and could run quicker, due to his almost bionic legs. Just when O.W.D. thought that he was doomed, an ice cream truck pulled up with Michael Faries driving.

MF: "Get in!"
O.W.D.: "What's with the clown suit?"
MF: "It helps to sell ice cream, now GET IN!"

O.W.D. jumped in the ice cream truck to make good his escape but not before dvo47p got a chance to rip the back bumper off the ice cream truck and bite it in half. After they made their escape, Michael began to speak.

MF: "I know what you're thinking - Does the clown nose make a honking sound when you squeeze it? Well, go ahead."

This wasn't what O.W.D. was thinking but he thought, What the hell. (HONK, HONK) This made O.W.D. laugh and Michael said, "It works every time."

MF: "Listen O.W.D., see that mountain up there? No, no, You're staring at the dashboard, Dumb-Dumb."
O.W.D.: "Sorry."
MF: "Just a second, O.W.D., I see a customer. I got to stop and get this one."
Michael pulled over to wait on a customer that looked very eager.
MF: "What can I get you?"
RGrant: "Got any liquor in there? The ladies and I need more liquor."
MF: "Sorry, the best I can do for you is Butterscotch Rum."
RGrant: "Okay, give me 5 triples. (BURP)."

RGrant walked away thinking to himself, "I got to give up drinking. I just bought liquor from a clown in an ice cream truck."

After this, Michael got back on the road and said, "Now where were we? That mountain is called Paramountain but it is owned by Hollywood and they own that one big studio that pretends to be at least 5 different studios. Are you with me so far?"
O.W.D.: "Does that flower squirt water?"
MF: "Anyways, I see you got your Indiana Jones hat on. You will need it because your quest is to climb that mountain and make your way down inside, by all the traps, until you reach the bottom where you will find all that you are looking for."
O.W.D.: "I'm not wearing a hat."
MF: "Ooops! Sorry. Nice haircut. Very trendy."

When they got to the bottom of the mountain, M.F. lifted one of his big floppy shoes and kicked O.W.D. out on the street and then drove off with an ice cream jingle ringing through the air. O.W.D. looked in the back pocket of his corduroy pants to see if his cell phone was broken. It was very uncomfortable because it was one of those big mobile phones from 1983. The phone was okay, however his a$$ felt broken. He pulled out the 3-foot antenna and made a call to ojai22.

O.W.D.: "Hello, is ojai22 there?"
Ojai22: "Speaking,"
O.W.D.: "I'm at the foot of Paramountain. The secret is in the mountain at the bottom but I have to climb up with my wimpy legs and arms and make my way down the inside."
Ojai22: "Sorry, you have the wrong number." (CLICK)

O.W.D. was as puzzled as a 4-piece jigsaw puzzle by this point but decided to start his way up the mountain. He slipped on his first step and had to start all over again.

END OF CHAPTER 3.


COMING SOON, PART 4, THE FINAL CHAPTER.

[ojai22]

THE CASE OF THE MISSING BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

CHAPTER 4


OJAI22'S REPORT

I had heard nothing from OLDWARDAGGIT for some time regarding the job I hired him for - that is, to learn why the continuation of the BSG show was missing for so many years. Now 5 years had racked up so I went looking for the Magnum P.I.

His office was boarded up, with homeless people living in it. I spied his Magnum lying under his desk so he was out there with only his rubber ducky. Or chicken? Whatever.

His trail was cold but I did see a man with a carload of women who looked familiar. He was standing on the hood of his vehicle, chanting to a bevy of women seated inside - Eeney Meeney Miney Moe, Catch the next one by the toe. I tried to ask him about the old daggit but he paid me no mind so I moved on.

An ice cream truck rounded the corner so I hailed him. Sure enough he had some good info. The clown driving the truck had sent the daggit P.I. to Paramountain - climb the mountain, then go down inside to the bottom of it to learn why the BSG show was missing. The clown ice creamer hadn't seen the P.I. since then, but would I like to squeeze his nose?

Something was terribly wrong here, it doesn't take 5 years to climb a mountain. I expected foul play had ensued so I headed for Paramountain.

I drove slowly around the mountain till I spied owd's unicycle sticking out of some trash and dead branches. It had a flat tire. I strapped on my backpack and started climbing. From far up the mountain I heard a weak voice singing. It had a certain appealing sound so I raced up toward it. About halfway up, there lay a feeble creature looking helpless, hopeless, and very hungry. The Daggit P.I. himself, pale and frail, singing unknown songs to the bright morning sunshine.

He didn't recognize me at first; it had been a long time. Finally recognition dawned in his eyes and he started weeping copiously. I dug out a bottle of water from my stash and offered him some. He said, "Just a thimble full is all I can do." I filled the bottle cap and he slipped it slowly.

Ojai22: " OWD, how have you stayed alive all these years, what did you eat?"
OWD: "All kinds of berries and leaves, a cricket or two, and when I sing, a caterpillar might come and check me out, so I get some good protein. Haven't seen many caterpillars lately, though."
Ojai22: "So that's what happened to the butterflies."
OWD: "Nah, I haven't seen any little flutterbys."

Fortunately I had brought some Vienna sausage and Spam so I offered him some food but he could only ingest one little sausage. He perked up greatly when he had finished it, so we headed to the top of the mountain.

Ye Gads! There were traps galore on the inside but I pulled out a whip from my Stash of Stuff, and we upended every one of them in record time. Now there we stood at the bottom of the crater with tons of trash. My super flashlight, and the sun shining down into the mountain lit the bottom like it was day. I explored a small section of the crater and found many pupa hanging from the ceiling, along with 2 small spiders. Quickly I turned to OWD - "You don't want to go in there, I saw spiders crawling around."

Then we found it - a large box filled with scripts entitled BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. We sat down to read, hoping to find out why they were hidden here. What was their secret?

OWD: "I've read half of this script and it's a mystery. This isn't BSG. This is another show. Why would they have the name of our show on their scripts?

I tossed aside the script I was reading and tried another, then another. OWD did the same. By noon we were ready for Spam and cookies so we took a lunch break.

Ojai22: "I didn't find anything familiar, did you? Someone made a mistake. Perhaps they want to hide this show, so they just tacked our show's name on it? After all, it's hiding out down here in the dark."
OWD: "Could be. Or they want our people to watch it. I wouldn't watch it. The characters are crude and crass, sickly, and dysfunctional. I couldn't get through one whole script. I kept looking for our guys, for warmth and fun, some tenderness."

Suddenly ojai22 had one of her Flashes of Importance - "Oh my word, OWD, this show is going to be made in the future and 2 million people are going to watch it."
OWD: "Wow, how long can it last with so few folks watching it? We had 60 Million people, and we all loved it."
Ojai22: "Actually 2 million is quite a few people - the size of a smallish town. People should have something to watch that they like, so let them have it, but they shouldn't be using our show's name. That's deception. OMGoodness, I just had another Flash - Forty years after our show went missing, the cast are sitting on a stage in a large room answering questions for an audience that loves them still. After 40 years! They all still know and like each other, too. This is so touching!
OWD: "Where do these Flashes of Importance come from?"
Ojai22: "I don't know, but they are always right."
OWD: "Can we get out of here now? We can go out a special way. After we get to the top, we'll put these little dealies on our elbows while lying on our stomachs, and we'll slide all the way down. Easy-Peasy!"


As we began our slide downwards, dodging shrubbery, trash, and mating squirrels, behind us from the mouth of the crater, hundreds of butterflies rose from the crater and came flying by. The caterpillars had hid out from the old daggit and still he survived.

At the bottom of the mountain, OWD saw his unicycle lying where it landed when the clown kicked them out of the ice cream truck several years ago. He noticed the flat tire, then "and my spare has been stolen."

A new Flash lit up the mind of ojai22 - "Listen, OWD, your office is boarded up, your Magnum is collecting dust, and you aren't making it as a P.I. This is what we are going to do. I'm taking you home with me, getting you in good health and you're going to be a singer. I heard you up there on the mountain and dude, you've got a set of pipes that humans will like. I know this is Short Notice, but I owe you for 5 years work so let's get home and get started."
OWD; "You know, while up there on the mountain singing for caterpillars, I dreamed of singing for people - people who would applaud and give me tips. Even with all those legs caterpillars can't applaud, makes one feel unappreciated. I dreamed of letting my Magnum rust and collect dust, while I go on to greater things. Thanks, Twin."

So now, the deed is done, the die is cast, the deal is delivered - The small town was happy with what they got, and we, the dedicated folks who know and love the real show can be happy watching reruns of the original and true BATTLESTAR GALACTICA that never will go missing.


THE END.

[ojai22]

Shawn tells me he's been very busy so I took a look at what he's been up to.....yes, he has been very busy! Here is a link to info about him and his band:


https://shortnoticeonline.com/index-2.html

Also, some more info - here is an excerpt from an email:


"I've actually been busy more with music since I left the forums. When the whole covid thing hit a few years ago,My bass player and I decided to form a 2 man band and put up a bunch of videos on youtube. If you're interested, you can find them here https://www.youtube.com/c/McCardyMusic
We have been doing them for the last few years so there is everything from cover tunes to comedy songs and such there lol
We try to put out something once a week so that's keeping us quite busy "


Great to hear from him, and know he's doing so well.

[OWD]

Hey Twin, That was awesome You did a fantastic job Nice how you got a reference to my band in there as well Thanks again

[ojai22]

Go to this link and click on My Last Wish. Falling-down funny!



https://www.youtube.com/c/McCardyMusic