Dirk's Works

Dirk's Works (https://www.dirkbenedictcentral.com/forums/index.php)
-   Main Discussion Area (https://www.dirkbenedictcentral.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=10)
-   -   Too, Too Funny! (https://www.dirkbenedictcentral.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1212)

ojai22 02-01-2015 06:45 PM

Too, Too Funny!
 
An elderly lady decided to give herself a treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. “It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00 for just an overnight stay. I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $450.00 is the "standard rate," so she insisted on speaking to the manager. The manager appeared and said: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for your use."

"But I didn't use them," she said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager. He went on to explain that she also could have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous . "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.

No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, the lady replied, "But I didn't use it" and the manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check, and gave it to him.

The manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the manager.

Well, You know what the woman said to that.

:))

ojai22 02-12-2015 12:36 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
HEALTH TIPS FROM A 101 YEAR-OLD

Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky:


REPORTER: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

HATTIE: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink schnapps.

REPORTER: When do you drink water?

HATTIE: I've never been that sick.

.

ojai22 03-01-2015 02:03 AM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS

I was walking past the mental hospital
the other day, and all the patients
were shouting, "13...13...13."

The fence was too high to see over,
but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked
through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick,
then they all started shouting, "14...14...14."

~~~

ojai22 03-03-2015 10:44 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
Students in an advanced Biology class were
taking their mid-term exam. The last question was,
"Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk." The
question was worth 70 points or none at all. One
student, in particular, was hard put to think of
seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in
desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the
end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's
high enough off the ground where the cat can't get
it.

He got an A.

:neutral:

ojai22 03-23-2015 05:10 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
THE OCEAN


The Ocean - ALL you Need to Know! Children Writing About the Ocean.


1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breathes through an a$$hole on the top of it's head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat a$$. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

If you didn't smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.

:))

Antimony 03-23-2015 08:05 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
Thanks for posting ojai22! Had a good laugh! :)

ojai22 03-24-2015 01:05 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
I don't know how long this will be allowed to stay posted but it is the funniest thing I've ever heard. It's done light-heartedly, and is so totally Politically Incorrect.



https://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2...ugdNCROs.gmail

>:)

ojai22 04-11-2015 01:40 AM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
WHY EXERCISE?


It is well documented that, for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old, and we don't know where she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. (Apparently you have to show up.)

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The only advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't like exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

John Pickard 04-12-2015 10:33 AM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by ojai22 (Post 19654)
I don't know how long this will be allowed to stay posted but it is the funniest thing I've ever heard. It's done light-heartedly, and is so totally Politically Incorrect.



https://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2...ugdNCROs.gmail

>:)

I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. Thanks, ojai!

ojai22 05-01-2015 07:22 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
HOW TO WASH A CAT

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1 oz. of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lids. You may need to stand on the top lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand to the side of the toilet as far away as you can and quickly lift the lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside, where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely yours,

The Dog

ojai22 05-07-2015 04:19 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
Neologisms

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.


The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by asteamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.




The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


The winners are:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for a very long, sometimes indefinite period of time.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a$$hole..

ojai22 06-09-2015 06:41 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
Two policemen call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that you, Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir....The floor is still wet."

ojai22 06-11-2015 10:02 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
1+2 = 3


Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....


Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.


Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.


Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.


To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.


This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.


Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said,

'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'


Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.


'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'


Little Zachary looked at her and said,

'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

ojai22 06-21-2015 12:04 AM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
WHERE YOU LIVE MAKES A DIFFERENCE


You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also had a secret escape tunnel.


By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered mentally unstable.

In Michigan, he'd be called a Detroit resident who owns a pharmacy.

In Arizona, he'd be called an avid gun collector.

In Arkansas, he'd be called a novice gun collector.

In Utah, he'd be called moderately well prepared, but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Kansas, he'd be a guy down the road you would want for a friend.

In Montana, he'd be called the neighborhood 'Go-To' guy.

In Idaho, he'd be called a likely gubernatorial candidate.

In Georgia, North Carolina, Virginia, W.Virginia, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Missouri, Wisconsin, Tennessee, Kentucky, Florida, and S. Carolina he would be called a deer-hunting buddy.


And in Texas; he'd just be Bubba who's a little short on ammo.

ojai22 08-10-2015 04:10 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
You have GOT to watch this - I was rolling on the floor!



https://youtu.be/DP6S3KE2DaI


😂 😃 😜 ♌️

ojai22 08-24-2015 05:31 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
The top 10 most stunningly retarded things people really said to me in the past week



Scroll down to the Comments below the article, they're funny, too.

I needed that laugh.


Learn more: https://www.naturalnews.com/050907_re...#ixzz3jmJLrILF

🎭 🎭 🎭

ojai22 09-01-2015 01:30 AM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
This is sooooo funny you want to watch over and over. There seems to be several more videos, too. These people are having fun.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9IYeVJiWLQ


😀😁😃😆 😎

♌️

sarah c. 09-03-2015 06:21 AM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by John Pickard (Post 19712)
I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. Thanks, ojai!

:)) haha ....I have great jokes... my mom and her brothers were REALLY REALLY funny. I can't post most of them to FB. I'd be kind of scared to. You never know who you're going to offend now days.... :rolleyes:
This one isn't too bad.....

School Children Writing About The Sea

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. ( Becky age 8)
On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7)

sarah c. 09-03-2015 07:09 AM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
The Following Is A Partial List Of Actual Written Excuses Given To Teachers
In The Albuquerque Public School System By Parents Of Students:

1. Dear school: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan.28,29,
30,31,32,& also 33.

2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday.She was in bed with
gramps.

3. Please excuse Johnnie for being.It was his father's fault.

4. Chris will not be in school today because he has an acre in his side.

5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the Doctor.

7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.

8. My son is under the Doctor's care and should should not take fizical ed.
Please execute him.

9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.

10. My Daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with The Marines.

11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday she fell off a tree
and misplaced her hip.

12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school.He has very loose vowels.

13. Maryann was absent Dec.11-16,because she had a fever,sore throat,
headache,& upset stomache.Her sister was also sick,fever,and sore throat,
her brother had a low grade fever.There must be a flu going around,
Her father even got hot last night.

14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today.She is administrating.

15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.

17. Please excuse Miranda for being absent.She was sick and I had her shot.

18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.He had diah(*crossed
out*),diahoah(*crossed out*),dyah(*crossed out*),...The Sh*ts.

sarah c. 09-03-2015 07:10 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
okay someone posted this on twitter(Gosh Im sick of twitter...lmao)

Someone just argued with me, "Women are never actually catcalled."
I'd like to prove a point
Ladies, RT this if you've ever been catcalled


Is It just me, or is it wrong that I never took/take offence to being catalled?
Even when I was in highschool. Girls these days? Would sue for the things that were very innocent and just "guys being guys".
Are some women becoming too obsessed with feminism? Are they too sensitive? Sometimes I kinda think so.
Or maybe I'm just full of crap! who knows....;)

sarah c. 09-11-2015 06:52 AM

Re: Awesomeness!
 
My mom sent me this a few years ago...... :)):)):o:o

Quote:

Sincere Apologies To Everyone

Over the past few years I have forwarded funny pictures and jokes to friends who I thought shared the same sense of humor. I have also published in blogs, similar content. Unfortunately this wasn't the case and I seem to have upset quite a few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow. If you were one of these people, please accept my humblest apologies.

From now on I will only publish pages and send emails with a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting structures.

Below is a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris .

The Pont Neuf, French for the "New Bridge," is the oldest standing bridge across the river Seine in Paris. Its name, which distinguished it from the old bridges that were lined on both sides with houses, simply stuck. Standing by the western point of the Île de la Cité, the island in the middle of the river that was the heart of medieval Paris, it connects the left bank, the Rive Gauche of Paris with the Rive Droite, the right bank.

P.S. For those of you who are interested, Pont Neuf took 26 years to build. Construction began in 1578 and ended in 1604. 'Le Pont Neuf' is actually made of 2 independent bridges, one with seven arches and the other with five arches. Henri IVs statue is located on the right of the bridge. It was the first equestrian statue erected in Paris and also the first statue that was free-standing i.e. not attached to a building. Like other royal statues, it was melted down during the revolution. It was replaced with an identical copy in 1818
.

https://www.berro.com/joke/pont_neuf_...w11Hw0.twitter

John Pickard 09-11-2015 09:26 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by sarah c. (Post 19933)
My mom sent me this a few years ago...... :)):)):o:o

I've seen this before - it's a funny take on overly sensitive people.

(So it belongs in the "Too, Too Funny!" thread, so I moved it.) ;)

Thanks, Sarah!

ojai22 09-23-2015 10:50 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.


Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the woman to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately, as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman became silent and sat down in a daze.


The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"


"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."




ojai22 11-24-2015 09:57 AM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN!

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.


Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'


Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'


The teacher sat down and cried.


😜

ojai22 11-28-2015 03:25 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
You will watch this six times and you will laugh for a week:




https://youtu.be/Ll2aW1p8qlE


😀 😄 😃 😂 😜 😎

ojai22 12-23-2015 05:41 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
Watch the librarian twice, he's very funny. . . .

"What kind of girl are you looking for?"

"One that says, 'Yes'."


https://youtu.be/weKvnw0JNf4



📚 📖 📕 📙 😎 😃 👍🏽 👏

ojai22 12-24-2015 03:27 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
This morning I was sipping my tea and browsing through a site I used to frequent. I found this post that is still hilarious:



CHILI, TEXAS STYLE

https://www.colonialfleets.com/forums...ead.php?t=7231


(What happened to my "Dancing Viper Queen?" I loved that! Still do!)


🍲 🍺 🍻 🍺 🍻 🍻 🍻 🌡 ♨️ ♨️ ♨️ 🍻 🍻 🍻

♌️

ojai22 12-24-2015 03:36 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
But then, why not read the Joke thread as well? Some are a bit dated but most are still great fun!


https://www.colonialfleets.com/forums...ead.php?t=2522



😀 😂 😎 😘 ♌️

ojai22 01-17-2016 01:07 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
R.O.T.F.


https://biggeekdad.com/2016/01/your-wife-and-your-dog/



😀 😇 😂 😍 😎 ♌️

ojai22 01-28-2016 12:47 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
In case you missed this one tucked away in another thread...



https://www.dirkbenedictcentral.com/f...81&postcount=1

ojai22 02-06-2016 12:41 AM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
AMAZING!


https://youtu.be/8e9iXkgukOk



😆 👍🏽 😎 ♌️

ojai22 02-12-2016 05:20 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
SOME PHYLLIS DILLER HUMOR:



Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and be quiet.


😀 😄 😍 😎

ojai22 02-19-2016 07:50 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
SOME CLEVER SIGNS


In a shoe repair shop: We will heel you. We will save your sole. We will even dye for you.

In a gynecologist’s office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

In a podiatrist’s office: Time wounds all heels.

In an optometrist’s office: If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

On a plumber’s truck: We repair what your husband fixed.

On a maternity-room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

In a restaurant window: Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We’ll wait.

At a propane filling station: Thank Heaven for little grills.

Sign on the back of a septic-tank truck:
Caution – This Truck is full of political promises.


😍 😎 ☯

ojai22 03-04-2016 01:10 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
If you're flying and you hear the announcement, "Does anyone know how to fly a plane?", your answer should always be "Yes."

If you're going to die you may as well die flying a jumbo jet.

Anonymous


✈️ ⚰ 🔺 🔻 ♦️ 🌹 💐 😵 😀

ojai22 03-17-2016 03:07 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
The Incident

ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.




A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments of $560.00.


He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin ..
It's mid-winter.............and of course all of the lakes are frozen.


These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.


Now..................making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So........................out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.


Our two Rocket Scientists...........afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:

- they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust,
- they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.


Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...?


Let's talk about the dog:

A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it......................The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse........... Just as it hits the ice.


The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop.


The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.
One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane!!!!!!


The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.


The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end..................he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.


Then KA BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!


The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with 'I can't believe this just happened' looks on their faces.


The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use
Of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make
The first of those $560.00 a month payments.


The dog is okay....doing fine.


And to think you thought all Rednecks lived in the South.......



😅 😜 😳 😣 🐕 🔫

ojai22 03-23-2016 02:39 AM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
This is laugh-out-loud funny! Enjoy!


https://youtu.be/FP7wN301yjc


😆 😄 ♌️

ojai22 07-16-2016 12:01 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
TECH-SUPPORT CHAT

Hello Tech Support. Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.


Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate.




Hello Desperate. First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.


However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.


In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.



In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0. Good Luck!

:)

ojai22 09-19-2016 12:05 PM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
Can't stop laughing......


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCEyh3FAM4g

:))

ojai22 02-18-2017 12:22 AM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
How the fight started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started….
_______________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started…
_______________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 225 in about 2 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started……

_______________________



Sometimes it doesn’t pay to have a keen sense of humor.


:))

Vballspieler 02-18-2017 01:06 AM

Re: Too, Too Funny!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by ojai22 (Post 20094)
The Incident

ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.




A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments of $560.00.


He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin ..
It's mid-winter.............and of course all of the lakes are frozen.


These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.


Now..................making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So........................out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.


Our two Rocket Scientists...........afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:

- they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust,
- they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.


Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...?


Let's talk about the dog:

A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it......................The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse........... Just as it hits the ice.


The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop.


The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.
One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane!!!!!!


The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.


The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end..................he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.


Then KA BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!


The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with 'I can't believe this just happened' looks on their faces.


The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use
Of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make
The first of those $560.00 a month payments.


The dog is okay....doing fine.


And to think you thought all Rednecks lived in the South.......



😅 😜 😳 😣 🐕 🔫

I would say it isn't reflective of life in Wisconsin, but you managed to find some of the blessed. It takes real talent (or stupidity) to blow up your new truck.....or drop your cellphone down the ice fishing hole...or watch your ice hut sink because you thought the ice wouldn't melt at 50 degrees. :))


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 04:48 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions Inc.
2020 DirkBenedictCentral.com